28 February 2020
“For I will restore health to you and heal you of your wounds – says the Lord.” – Jeremiah 30: 17
Yesterday, President Donald Trump placed Vice-President Mike Pence – the same man who once attempted to utilize prayer as the chief means of addressing an HIV outbreak in his home state of Indiana – in charge of coordinating the US Government’s response to the ongoing novel coronavirus crisis.
Presenting his decision to gathered media late Wednesday, Trump – effeminately flopping his hands in his inimitable fashion, presumably to emphasize his ubiquitous, asinine claims and hackneyed efforts at leading the nation – told officials,
“Due to the fact that this worthless bastard Azar (Editors Note: Azar, who was also standing with an unflinching smile and nodding in agreement directly behind the President is the sycophant in charge of the Dept. of Health and Human Services) has resisted my calls to immediately place everyone of Asian heritage in armed camps, I have decided to appoint Mike Pence as our new coronavirus czar. We’re tremendously satisfied with this, best team ever!”
Assuming his position at the podium, Pence predictably informed press that his would be a “faith-based” response to this latest public health crisis.
“Well, I think if we just pray hard enough and keep the Lord first and foremost in our thoughts, everything will turn out alright,” Pence told reporters as various priests circulated the room, chanting and spreading plumes of incense.
“The Lord says in 1 Timothy that, ‘Physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding value for the present and the future.’ Also, in Proverbs, we learn that, ‘A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.’ Therefore, I think we should eschew physical exercise for Christian prayer and make sure we go about our daily lives with a happy smile… That should about do it,” Pence confidently told press, before symbolically burning his gym shoes on the podium of the White House press room as monks chanted in low tones behind him.
Later reports from the Vice-President’s office seemed to confirm his commitment to finding a Christian solution to the impending crisis.
According to additional reports from Reuters, Pence – having “read up on medical facts of disease in relevant literature provided by his pastor” – personally visited the hospital room of a suspected patient at CDC.
The patient, speaking on condition of anonymity, described their experience with the Vice-President as “extremely disconcerting.”
“The Vice-President came into the room wearing a broad, black leather hat, underneath which his entire head was covered by a thick, beaked mask that had various pungent herbs stuffed in the beak. Beneath this headdress, he wore a heavy full length gown, thick gloves, and carried a sizable stick with which he said he would ‘beat away the infected masses who denied the Lord,'” the patient told WL.
“Upon entering in this bizarre costume, Pence held my urine aloft and, with a worried voice, told me my humours were out of balance. He then proceeded to create and forcibly administer a concoction of diced snake, arsenic, and vinegar that he said would, ‘Kill the Asian sin inside of you,'” the patient said, still in a state of confused terror. 
“After having given me the medicine, he then removed his gown and, with his bare torso exposed, began beating his exposed skin with increasing candor while desperately calling for the Lord to purge both mine and his sin.”
According to hospital staff, Pence, having completed this bizarre examination and preliminary treatment, told staff to keep him informed of the patient’s condition, adding “if the fever hasn’t died done by next evensong, rub the patient with a shaved hen and bathe them in their own urine” before then forcing them to clasp their hands and bow their heads in prayer.
At the time of going to press, President Trump was reportedly “very content” with Pence’s efforts, adding that the virus “was probably created by Nancy Pelosi as a means of hitting the stock market and, ultimately, abolishing private property altogether.”
WikiLeeks News Services 