27 March 2020
As America wakes up to another day of increased infections and new deaths from the rampaging coronavirus pandemic, the President is attempting to put a positive spin on his administration’s handling of the ongoing crisis.
“In short, I think we’re doing fucking amazing,” Trump told press Tuesday afternoon, dapping up Treasury Steve Munchkin and Secretary of Falling Asleep at Cabinet Meetings Ben Carson.
“If you think about it, there’s never really been a better time to be an American: Tiger King is goddamn amazing, American families are spending more time than ever with one another, and people have never been so excited to enjoy the outdoors,” a beaming Trump told the few remaining members of the press corps gathered in the White House.
Trump continued to wax poetic about his administration’s achievements.
“I saw earlier today that unemployment claims were at their highest since 1982… Anytime you beat a first-term Reagan number, you’re definitely doing something right!”
When pressed further about the complete lack of testing, epidemic of unemployment, and potential years of socioeconomic devastation that could already result from the virus’s effect, Trump dismissed critics as “a bunch of low-intelligence Negative Nancys.”
“Some people want to make a big deal about the fact that our economy is irrevocably crippled and our cities resemble post-apocalyptic wastelands… But have you seen the price of eggs? America’s farmers should be thanking me – you’re welcome!”
Trump continued in this vein, citing a long list of individuals and corporations who should be thanking.
“It’s not just our egg farmers, who have always provided our nation’s historical backbone; We all know school is stupid… So where’s my thank you from America’s children? What about those ever-complaining communist teachers? Barron tells me everyday what a great job I’m doing and that his teacher no longer picks on him for not being able to add 3 and 8, which is admittedly difficult and not necessary for a sound business education. In a similar manner, America’s agoraphobics have never had it so good,” Trump listed to press before severely digressing on how he personally shared agoraphobics’ “totally legitimate hatred of spiders.”
Trump similarly took credit for delaying baseball’s opening day and cancelling the annual NCAA basketball tournament affectionately known as “March Madness.”
“For the first time in history, literally zero brackets were busted this March – no one is unhappy about losing to some women from the office who chose teams based on team colors and mascots… I’m the first president to affect such a significant change like that in American sport. Also, I see baseball has been cancelled. Well, any sport the Japanese love is suspect as hell, isn’t it? Maybe if my dad’s 1956 bribe to get me on junior varsity had worked out, we wouldn’t be in this mess,” Trump told press, adding his failure to secure a spot on JV was a blessing as it revealed to him that “physical activities beyond golf are for the unwashed lumpen proletariat.”
“I guess if I could tell America one thing, it would be enjoy it: This can’t last forever and there are only so many episodes of Tiger King. I never thought I’d see so many people complain about applying for welfare and watching Netflix… But, thankfully, our country is perfect and nothing bad can ever happen to us, ever” Trump concluded with satisfaction.
WikiLeeks News Services 